It was 1:30 a.m. and I was still wide awake in bed listening to the thunder storm outside my bedroom window. I had been laying in bed all day, bedridden from my battle with chronic pain, and I had been trying to fall asleep for the evening (obviously with no success) since 10:30 p.m., "Dear God, take me now" I whined to myself. My husband was laying next to me sleeping soundly and snoring loudly.
"I wish I could sleep", I continued to complain to myself. The feeling of despair grew deeper. The lack of sleep, combined with extreme fatigue, made for some pretty messed up mental thought processes and even more extreme bodily pain.
I mean, everything seemed much more miserable - my mind started to deceive me - my pain was at an all time high!
As I lay there, unable to sleep, I noticed my finger tips and toes started to generate their own heart beats.
My fingers and toes were pulsating from small to large, small to large, small to large with what seemed to line up perfectly with each heart beat. I couldn't move my body. It felt like I had been cemented to my bed... I was stuck. Mine-as-well slap a depends on me because right then, with how my bladder and body was feeling, it really all depends - HA HA.
I could not move my body when I tried. My head had it's own beat, my eyes were dry, my skin was mimicking the effects of the thunder and lightening outside my bedroom window. Tears were dripping down my cheeks but I couldn't move my hands to wipe them off my face. The electrical shocks and pains rushing through my skin was torturous. My head felt like it was being lifted up and dropped back down... again, and again, and again.
My mind became foggy, angry, painful... I started to become very depressed, the inability to control my own body or move it where I wanted, and the pure exhaustion from the lack of sleep. I started to fixate on dying; maybe, if I think on it hard enough I will die and then there will be no more pain. But then, it was as if my brain reach out of my body and slapped me across the face, "if you can think of thinking yourself to death you can think of thinking yourself to a better life - full of love and positive thought patterns".
So, though I say each of my fingers had it's own heart beat (due to the throbbing chronic pain) a positive note would be that with each beat my fingers felt like they grew to the size of cupcakes. I use cupcakes to illustrate the heartbeat size of my fingers because cupcakes are simply amazing! A little known make belief fact is that cupcakes were originally discovered over 2000 years ago by the Knights Templar. They surprised the last unicorn on earth;' in fear the unicorn ran away leaving a trail of colorful sparkly cupcakes behind. Thus the human race made two crucial discoveries that day; the saying, "you can poop yourself to death" is real and the invention of these delightful fluffy cupcakes!
I love cupcakes, so I incorporated something I love, something positive, into what I am imagining about the pain I am experiencing. By doing this, I noticed it helped me to not focus so much on the negativity or spiral further down in my depressive state.
But then it hits me, I can't eat cupcakes anymore. Whenever I do eat sweets they cause me to flare up. I get more depressed at this thought... then, I think to myself, "it doesn't matter that I can't eat cupcakes. By not eating cupcakes it allows me to not experience a crash".
Yes, another positive mindset win for me! By not crashing I don't flare up, by not flaring up I have more energy reserves, and by having more energy reserves, maybe, tomorrow I will be able to take a short walk - without too much cupcake throbbing heartbeat business happening in my fingers and toes.
Success yet again! I have conquered the negativity monster, crushed it with the positivity hammer, and the moral of the story to take away is - I love cupcakes! No, correction, I really love cupcakes!
No matter what, cupcakes will always be something that makes me happy to think about - even if I can't eat them. Remember to find your happy place and don't be afraid to have fun with your imagination, who knows where it will lead you?
Wishing you all a sparkly fun-filled weekend filled with much love, peace, and positivity.
Much love to everyone special,
PGCT & Mental Health Awareness
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